The Art of Crafting a Gamer

 

We all have someone who we WANT to play video games. Be it a girlfriend, husband, loved one, or friend, there is always that one person we wish could see the joys in our electronic medium. I’m sure at one time or another you’ve thought there MUST be a way to make them play! Well good news. Through extensive research and tests, I have developed a fail proof way to convert your lovable Noob into a full-fledged gamer.
*Results may vary.*

Step 1: DO NOT – I repeat – DO NOT, SH*% ON THEM

Ok ok, we all know how cool you are because you can no scope her as she fumbles with the controller. She drops to the ground, blinds herself with a flashbang, and then begins to switch weapons repeatedly. “How do I move forward?!” she cries out in fright as your burly soldier lumbers toward her. You take aim and end her life with a smooth headshot.

WRONG.

This will lead to an instantaneous ragequit, or a scarring first memory of video games. Its simple psychology. LET HER GET THE FIRST KILL, point, goal… whatever it may be. This builds CONFIDENCE. CONFIDENCE leads to FUN, and FUN leads to a GAMER. Lets review that. First Kill, point, goal, etc. –> CONFIDENCE –> FUN –> Playing more! –> GAMER. Good.

Step 2: Acting.

Thats right. Acting. Now I don’t mean speak ye’ old Shakespearian to him as he plays – that would creep him out.

False Reassurance: PRETEND like they are doing well. “Whats that dear Video Gamer Virgin? You fell off that catwalk to your death because you forgot which button was jump? Mannnn I do that ALL the time!” Lets be serious. You did that ONCE. You were drunk, angry, and your palms were sweaty. But they don’t need to KNOW that.

‘The Blunder’: You have him in your sights. His character’s head lolls lazily to the sky as he begins to run in circles, firing bullets into the great blue yonder. Its so easy. You basically have the kill in the bag. Sweat drips from your forehead and you lick your lips in anticipation. Then… Oops! You dash by, losing sight of him! “Now whereeee did you gooo?!” you ask in an idiotic dictation, almost so bad he becomes aware of what you’re doing. You begin knifing various items in the vicinity, flapping about like a beheaded chicken. He finally manages to end your miserable life with lazily placed bullets. He feels great*. *See CONFIDENCE

Disbelief:

Example 1: HOW DID YOU DO THAT!?!? How did you manage to shoot me as I crouched in that corner pretending not to see you??? You HAVE to have played before?? NO!?

Example 2: My god! That goal was incredible! You charged that kick meter perfectly, and beat all of my defenders! (A comment to follow the act of intentionally making all of your defenders drift gracefully out of position to slide tackle air).

Step 3: Finding the Right Game

While most of these examples have to do with First Person Shooters, I am not telling you to start them off on this genre. Everyone has a game style that they prefer, and there is a game out there for EVERYONE. Hell with all the weird sh*% Japan pumps out, It’d be damn impressive to find someone completely adverse to playing video games. If your Virgin seems frustrated. Stop. FRUSTRATION leads to ANGER. ANGER leads to bad memories of gaming, which then leads to RUIN. Lets review. Bad game choice –> FRUSTRATION –> ANGER –> Bad memories of gaming –> CTHULU… er.. RUIN. Pick the right game, and make sure their expressions are of genuine enjoyment. Find the best game you can for your beginner.

Step 4: Stay Positive

Finally, and most importantly, you MUST stay positive while gaming with your gaming Virgin. Sure this article is dripping in sarcasm, but in all honesty, they have rarely or NEVER played a game; of course they are going to suck. They will stare at the sky, they will drive into walls, they will blow themselves up, and they will pose NO THREAT to your “stellar” offense. This does not mean tease them, degrade them, or for gods sake YELL at them. Gaming is FUN and the less STRESSFUL it is, the better. Virgins will already be nervous, so catering to their needs and pampering is a must. You do not throw your baby at a pack of wild boar and then demand them to understand how to defend their vulnerable bodies. You help them grow, and in turn grow with them. Soon they will be out of the forest, past the boars, and on to many a great adventure.

I hope with these tips you can craft your own gamer. Be the Jesus of Gaming. Shepard your lamb to the promise land of next generation entertainment. Show them the light.

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6 thoughts on “The Art of Crafting a Gamer

  1. It’s suppose to feel good being a mentor and seeing them eventually succeed *pride.* Personally however, I get impatient and have to resist the urge to grab the controller and show them how to pass an obstacle without dying several times in the process. Resisting this impulse leads to involuntary hand twitching, lol.

    I grew up with games, so I don’t know what it feels like not being able to pick them up like second nature.

    • Hahaha I am the same way. You need to find a way to contain the frustration but maintain a smile (like hand twitching xD). It is really gratifying once they start to get in the groove though.

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